The past few weeks of this Mercury Retrograde phase have rightfully so been spent on ruminations of ex lovers, unfinished business, and baggage the weight of a ball and chain. I’m all for reflection but looking into the mirror when it comes to some of my relationship patterns is a tad bit jaunting. Combine that with my recently peaked interest in a new guy on my radar and I’ve got a recipe for playing out the worst case scenarios for something so fresh that it doesn’t even warrant the “What are we?” conversation yet.
There was one incident in particular that recently brought attention to my looming trust issues. About a week ago, the new guy and I were texting about how horrible of a person I was for forgetting that I let my dog go outside for over an hour in the middle of the night. I usually wouldn’t trip but we’ve had a coyote problem in the neighborhood for the past few months. As potential bae attempted to appease my overreaction (while taking harmless jabs at how dramatic I was being), I decided to call him because my animation was too overwhelming for texting.
I giddily pressed the “call” button on my phone and anxiously listened to several drawn out rings before the voicemail ensued. My mouth got clammy and my heart dropped as I hung up the phone. Unsettling thoughts whirled around in my mind. “We were just texting. Why wouldn’t he answer his phone? He must be over there entertaining another woman. I mean, it’s almost midnight on a Wednesday. What else could he be doing at this time?” The logical part of me tried to reason with myself… “Maybe he’s in the shower or eating or chopping it up with his roommate…Maybe…”
*my phone rang as potential bae’s name displayed across the screen*
I heaved a sigh of relief after spending five, drawn out minutes completely engulfed in the matrix of “This Nigga Ain’t Shit”. He and I spent some time chatting about my misadventures of an aloof dog owner before we decided to go to sleep. After getting off of the phone with him, I couldn’t help but think about how quickly my mind jumped to the worst case scenario all because potential bae didn’t answer the phone as promptly as my somewhat demanding Aries nature expects. I’ve realized for a while that I’ve got some serious trust issues when it comes to the opposite sex and this scenario made it all the more evident that I’ve still got some baggage to let go of.
At this stage in my life, I’m wise enough to understand the difference between discernment and projection. And how I sometimes get caught in this web of projecting my past experiences onto new ones. As cyclical as this healing work seems, I’m grateful for my growing awareness of myself in relation to others––especially when it comes to romantic partnerships. Awareness is a catalyst for healing if we choose to commit to the work––the most substantial part of that task being all of the releasing that must take place. We so easily detach ourselves physically from people, situations and experiences but those things often linger in our minds and hearts long after.
If you’ve followed some of my recent posts, you’re familiar with my use of Yoni eggs. Ironically, after experiencing this subtle resurfacing of past emotional trauma, my Yoni egg supplier (Graceful Empowerment) had a sale for Black Obsidian eggs. Obsidian happens to be a powerful crystal that aids in releasing emotional blockages and built up traumas. I am well aware of how quickly and effectively the crystal works so I am excited to use it as a Yoni egg for continued, deeper healing. Stay posted for updates on my process. xo.