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Trust Issues.

The past few weeks of this Mercury Retrograde phase have rightfully so been spent on ruminations of ex lovers, unfinished business, and baggage the weight of a ball and chain. I’m all for reflection but looking into the mirror when it comes to some of my relationship patterns is a tad bit jaunting. Combine that with my recently peaked interest in a new guy on my radar and I’ve got a recipe for playing out the worst case scenarios for something so fresh that it doesn’t even warrant the “What are we?” conversation yet.

There was one incident in particular that recently brought attention to my looming trust issues. About a week ago, the new guy and I were texting about how horrible of a person I was for forgetting that I let my dog go outside for over an hour in the middle of the night. I usually wouldn’t trip but we’ve had a coyote problem in the neighborhood for the past few months. As potential bae attempted to appease my overreaction (while taking harmless jabs at how dramatic I was being), I decided to call him because my animation was too overwhelming for texting. 

I giddily pressed the “call” button on my phone and anxiously listened to several drawn out rings before the voicemail ensued. My mouth got clammy and my heart dropped as I hung up the phone. Unsettling thoughts whirled around in my mind. “We were just texting. Why wouldn’t he answer his phone? He must be over there entertaining another woman. I mean, it’s almost midnight on a Wednesday. What else could he be doing at this time?” The logical part of me tried to reason with myself… “Maybe he’s in the shower or eating or chopping it up with his roommate…Maybe…”

*my phone rang as potential bae’s name displayed across the screen* 

I heaved a sigh of relief after spending five, drawn out minutes completely engulfed in the matrix of “This Nigga Ain’t Shit”. He and I spent some time chatting about my misadventures of an aloof dog owner before we decided to go to sleep. After getting off of the phone with him, I couldn’t help but think about how quickly my mind jumped to the worst case scenario all because potential bae didn’t answer the phone as promptly as my somewhat demanding Aries nature expects. I’ve realized for a while that I’ve got some serious trust issues when it comes to the opposite sex and this scenario made it all the more evident that I’ve still got some baggage to let go of. 

At this stage in my life, I’m wise enough to understand the difference between discernment and projection. And how I sometimes get caught in this web of projecting my past experiences onto new ones. As cyclical as this healing work seems, I’m grateful for my growing awareness of myself in relation to others––especially when it comes to romantic partnerships. Awareness is a catalyst for healing if we choose to commit to the work––the most substantial part of that task being all of the releasing that must take place. We so easily detach ourselves physically from people, situations and experiences but those things often linger in our minds and hearts long after. 

If you’ve followed some of my recent posts, you’re familiar with my use of Yoni eggs. Ironically, after experiencing this subtle resurfacing of past emotional trauma, my Yoni egg supplier (Graceful Empowerment) had a sale for Black Obsidian eggs. Obsidian happens to be a powerful crystal that aids in releasing emotional blockages and built up traumas. I am well aware of how quickly and effectively the crystal works so I am excited to use it as a Yoni egg for continued, deeper healing. Stay posted for updates on my process. xo.

Self-Care is...

Photographer: Jordan Desamours

Photographer: Jordan Desamours

Self-care is picking up that old hobby you used to enjoy. 

Self-care is spending time with the people that you can be your most raw, unfiltered version of yourself with. 

Self-care is taking a long walk on Sunday morning morning, showing gratitude for God's creation. 

Self-care is doing that thing you've always wanted to do but have allowed doubt to stop you (no, not that thing about you wanting to rob a bank). 

Self-care is treating yourself to a concert ticket to see you favorite musician that's coming into town. 

Self-care is putting your to-do list on the back burner for just one day to sleep in a little later than usual. 

Self-care is walking around your house naked and drinking orange juice straight from the carton (please, don't share your germy OJ with anyone else). 

Self-care is indulging in your favorite foods without feeling guilty.

Self-care is finishing that really good book you started last year but never finished. 

Self-care is burning your favorite incense or candle. 

Self-care is wrapping yourself up in your favorite blanket and binge watching that TV show you like. 

Self-care is taking a sea salt bath with your favorite essential oils. 

Self-care is letting go of that relationship that causes you more pain than joy. 

Self-care is reaching out to that person that's been on your mind for a while. 

Self-care is taking a deep breath when you feel anxious or stressed out. 

Self-care is crying when you're sad or screaming when you're angry (screaming into a pillow is vastly underrated).

Self-care is not giving a fuck about external approval (or the lack thereof). 

Self-care is cuddling with your baby or your pet (which is also your baby).

Self-care is holding your lover's hand in silence. 

Self-care is listening to God's whisper in the breeze. 

Self-care is basking in the warmth of the sun. 

Self-care is looking up at the night sky, reminding yourself that you are made of stardust. 

Self-care is not being afraid to shine your light because the world needs more of you. 

 

What are your favorite acts of self-care? Feel free to comment below.

Womb Healing

A few weeks ago I received some insight from The Mother as I was meditating at my altar. These past several months have been full of endings both internally and externally. As I’ve swam through the depths of my subconscious I’ve come face-to-face with past experiences that have shaped the way I view relationships––specifically those of a romantic nature. 

I’ve had to be very candid with myself as to why I’ve repeatedly found myself in abusive or manipulative relationships with emotionally unavailable men, men dealing with addictions, and men that were always in need of deep spiritual healing. The majority of the men I’ve involved myself with were never able to provide me with the emotional connection I desire within a union. Most of them didn’t really give a damn about me outside of what I provided for them physically and even if they did find some kind of emotional safe haven in me it was always one-sided as I never felt like my emotional well-being mattered much in comparison to theirs. 

And every time a relationship would end I was left alone with my own heartache as well as the burdens of my past lovers. For those that are unfamiliar with metaphysics, women often carry emotional trauma and debris within our wombs. And not just our own emotional wounds but also the wounds of those that we allow into our sacred space through sexual connection. If you’re familiar with Christianity this concept can be associated with “soul ties”. 

Over the past several months, I’ve been focused on releasing these burdens that I carry in my sacred space. As I previously stated, I’ve connected with men that have deep emotional and spiritual wounds, sometimes with a false notion that I could heal them with my love and my body, that I could take their pain away. Little did I know, I slowly but surely started to fill my womb with a lot of turmoil, trauma, and distress without the full knowledge of how to transmute the energies or to completely rid myself of them. 

Back in January, I intentionally began a journey to reclaim the sacred space of my womb by releasing the energies of my past lovers as well as my own emotionally traumatic experiences. I had heard about the healing power of Yoni eggs from one of my fellow goddesses, Bri, that I’ve had the chance to connect with via Twitter and decided to purchase one to begin my womb healing journey (shoutout to Graceful Empowerment for my lovely Rose Quartz Yoni egg). 

After using it for the first time, I felt a huge energy shift. One night I found myself overcome with laughter and my heart felt like it was going to ascend out of my chest. I felt an intense rush of energy throughout my body and was confident that I was on the right path towards healing. About once or twice a month, I would use my Yoni egg after properly cleansing it and charging it in the moonlight. Not every experience was the same as that buoyant first time. Sometimes, I would feel waves of grief, sometimes anger, resentment. Whatever came up was embraced, never judged or criticized. 

With my most recent use of my Yoni egg, I received special instruction from Oshun about how to use my egg this time around. Yoni eggs are reusable after proper cleaning but this time around I was guided to dispose of my egg. At first, I doubted the guidance I received but then I was reminded to go with my instinct. Oshun went into further detail telling me that the energies absorbed in the egg would be too tough to just cleanse for reuse. I trusted her instruction although I was sad about parting ways with my egg that I bonded with the past several months. However, I was placed at ease when I recalled that I would be going to the ocean soon which would be a beautiful way for us to go our separate ways. 

This past weekend I traveled to Savannah, primarily for modeling purposes, but timing always has its way. Yesterday morning, I carried my Yoni egg wrapped in a white cloth to release it into the ocean, to release my emotional wounds and those that I carried for my past lovers, to release the disappointment of unmet expectations, to release the trauma of abuse and manipulation, to release the chaos, the grief, and all that has tainted my sacred space, to release and allow Yemaya to take up my burdens and the burdens of my past lovers, to wash over them––carrying our wounds out to sea and cleansing them in waves of salt water. 

Asé.

If you would like more information on Yoni eggs, visit @graceful_empowerment on Instagram. Also give my girl Bri, @fertilealchemy, a follow on Instagram to help you along your womb healing journey. 

Much love.

FRIENDS

The past few weeks have felt incessantly lonely––outside of the saving grace of my tight knit family. As I scrolled through the photo library on my phone to one of the most recent pics I had of me and a friend socializing, I was shocked to realize that I hadn’t seen her in two months. This thought turned into a downward spiral of me thinking about how long it’s been since I’ve seen other friends––a month, three months, too long. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not the needy-clingy type of friend. I can go a few weeks without seeing my girl friends or even talking to them much for that matter. I understand how life gets and how everyone is so busy and consumed with digging themselves out of undesirable positions. 

As infrequently as I connect with friends in real time (and not just via social media interactions), I am usually contacted as a means of a soundboard for people to vent about their fucked up situations with family, with love, with money. And I understand that those things are equally a part of social interactions because that’s what friendship is––going through the ups and downs of life together. I’m not necessarily complaining about those things and wanting them to stop but what I am wanting more of is friends checking in just because, friends initiating social outings, friends that understand that friendship is not just about being there for each other when a crisis occurs, friends that just want to hang out and celebrate life. 

As we are all learning to navigate adulthood, it’s common knowledge that people don’t necessarily have the time (or may favorite excuse––the money) to connect with friends as frequently as we could in our college years. I call bullshit on all of that though. Every one is granted the same 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 30-31 days a month and 365 days a year and I can guarantee you that there are people that choose to make their friendships a priority, that choose to take a simple “How are you doing?” text a bit further to schedule a nice brunch together once a month. If money is an issue, the park or chilling at someone’s house is always free. At the end of the day people make the time for what they want to. No one is a victim to their calendar or even their finances. 

Moving back to Georgia from California has been a transition. Sometimes I feel more lonely here than I felt living 3,000 miles away from my family and friends. In California, I had one solid friend (almost by default because we’re cousins but we never met prior to us both moving to Cali around the same time). And that friendship was one of the most eye-opening, endearing connections that I’ve made in my life. 

Growing up I always felt like a lone wolf. I was never extremely sociable and reveled more so in the time I got to spend alone. But there was a dark side to that fierce independence that I always valued about myself––that dark side was keeping a lot of emotions to myself, never feeling like I had anyone I could rely on and feeling completely alienated for most of my existence. Around 2012, I decided to take the steps to change that by putting myself out there to socialize more. I’d often find myself attending social gathering alone in hopes of connecting with some kindred spirits (I actually did this a couple of weeks ago because I was tired of hanging out with myself LOL). Not only was I tired of the solitude but I grew tired of waiting around on friends to want to hang out with me, to plan a lunch date or some kind of interaction that didn’t include us tweeting each other or leaving ego-boosting comments on each other’s IG posts. Idon’t need that kind of validation from my friends. I’d prefer to be in their presence instead even if it’s just once a month. 

I recently watched a Ted Talks video about defeating loneliness and how creating rituals of spending time with people fosters connections. I rolled my eyes at the speaker when she said that she and her friends meet up once a week at someone’s house just to sit on the couch in their cute ass matching leggings drinking Rosé and talking. “Once a week?” I thought to myself. I’d be lucky to do that at least once a month with my friends. Mind you, the Ted Talks speaker and her friends are all grown as women with thriving careers and relationship and life shit yet every week they carve out just a few hours of their precious schedules to connect with each other in person. 

I had this in California with Moni. For a little over a year, I saw my friend at least once a week (if not more) and we’d text each other occasionally throughout the week. We went on adventures together, traveled together and sometimes did nothing together but enjoy each other’s company. I had someone to not only share the lows with but the highs and the mid points, too. I miss sharing a bottle of wine on a Tuesday night just because. I miss taking walks around Long Beach with Moni and her dog. I miss “hello” and “see ya later” hugs. I miss that valuable time of interacting face-to-face. I miss the little things that so many of us seem to take for granted as if any of us are promised another day. 

As much as I sometimes regret leaving California, I’m grateful for the experience. I’m grateful for the change of perspective it gave me. I’m grateful for the chance I got to really get in touch with my needs––and connection (outside of social media and texting) is one of them. Since moving back to Georgia I’ve had to face a lot of realizations especially about friends. As quickly as I saw myself playing the blame game, I just as quickly took the time to reflect––primarily on how much I have changed since I’ve been gone and how much the concept of friendship has changed for me, too. 

So with that being said, I’m putting the call out there, God. I’m putting the call out there for my wolf pack because I am over my longer days. I’m putting the call out for more consistent connection, for more brunch dates filled with Mimosa induced laughter, more Jeju days prancing around naked and learning to love our bodies, more movie nights in with wine, weed and plenty of snacks, and more traveling and experiencing this vast, beautiful ass world we are blessed to be living in. Life gets rough sometimes and we all know our friends are there for us to vent to but I’m sending out the call to those that want to celebrate life, friendship and connection just because.

Source: https://www.instagram.com/p/BRl9Pm5lAYU/

Tarot Readings

We are leading up to a breakthrough for new beginnings with the Pisces Solar eclipse occurring on Sunday. A portal has opened for us to walk into a new reality with less of the baggage that we may have released during the Lunar eclipse in Leo a couple weeks ago. If you'd like some insight into how this eclipse season can affect you sign up for a tarot reading (DM me, please). [yes, this image is of the late and great Tupac Shakur depicted as "the hanged man" archetype in musician King Khan's "Black Power" tarot deck. "the hanged man" is also associated with the astrological sign of Pisces. on Sunday, there will be several planets in this watery, mystical sign.]